 We thought putting our dreams on hold was the answer.
Bills needed to be paid and families needed our support. We were told we had to act like a grown-up and be responsible. We were told it was better to give than to receive and some of us were told our dreams were foolish and we learned to bury our desires, dreams, and passion. And we began to make some false assumptions about ourselves and our lives. We assumed dreams (or following our purpose) were folly and we felt unworthy. These false assumptions may have grown over the years to include:
Does any of this sound familiar? We may feel unworthy, but it isn’t the truth about who we are. We feel unworthy because we feel “less than.” Let me ask some questions: If you are broke, are you “less than?” If you live in a shack or are homeless, are you “less than?” If you failed at business, are you “less than?” If you are unemployed, are you “less than?” If your kids aren’t successful, are you “less than?” If you are in an abusive relationship, are you “less than?” If you have an addiction, are you “less than.” I don’t know what you silently answered to yourself, but I’m here to tell you the answer is NO. We are the ones who deem ourselves worthy or unworthy.
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“Life isn’t meant to be tolerated. It’s meant to be savored, devoured, marrow sucked and  How do you measure your life?
Many of us measure of our life based on our accomplishments, accolades, and achievements. But what happens if those aren’t as plentiful as we hoped for? Do we then measure our life as a failure? Or hum-drum? Or mediocre? If we only measure our life based on the ‘big’ things, we can miss the precious moments in-between. We can get so caught up on the championships, the awards, and the ‘attaboys’ (or ‘attagirls) that anything less than a peak experience doesn’t count and we can find ourselves with low self-confidence and low self-esteem. Facebook envy is a very real phenomenon when we measure our life based on what others are posting. I love my peak experiences and big moments. I love basking in the afterflow of those things I’d be proud to write in my bio. But there’s more to me (and my life) than that….so much more. Life isn’t just about the great and the grand, the big moments and the applause, the peak experiences and the victories. If we measure our life based on these things, we are basing our life using someone else’s rules. Been there. Done that. “We write, we speak, we tell the truth about our lives- that's what we do. Why is being yourself considered brave? Or something you have to build up to doing? What is dying inside you while you wait until you are brave or courageous enough to be yourself? How many years are going by while we work on self-improvement, self-discovery and trying to turn ourselves into someone we are not?” ~ Denise Dee  I spent a lot of 2018 on ‘being myself.’
Of course, I had to first figure out who I was, and that’s different than who I thought I was. You know, the me without the labels or the ‘shoulds.’ So, when 2019 was approaching and my inbox was filled with promises to help me create my best year, programs to help me have my most productive year, or products to help me have my most successful year, I resisted that hype. That’s not to say I didn’t do anything, because I did. But I did things ‘my way’ based on my work on ‘being myself.’ We’re almost at the end of January and I’m still continuing with the forward momentum I started at the beginning of the year. I haven’t’ abandoned my resolutions (of course, I don’t make any), but I haven’t abandoned any goals, desires, or dreams either. I feel like I’m moving in the direction I want to go with poise and purpose. So, I thought I’d share some of what I did and maybe you can use these as an example of something you can try (maybe starting February 1) and see if by the end of February you still feel like you’re moving in the direction you want to go with poise and purpose. It’s never too late to start. I celebrated my accomplishments in 2018 I looked back at my calendar (and the notes from the Mustang Sallies group) and reflected on the areas that went well and the fun I had. I listed things like taking road trips, losing 20 pounds, purchasing a home, beginning to learn Hebrew, speaking at Unity Churches, and launching new products (and of course, much more). Then I reflected on how I did these things (taking action, scheduling it on my calendar, asking for help, etc.) and if there was further progress I wanted to make on any of these accomplishments. Takeaway: This got me in a really good mood and made me realize all the opportunities that came my way, the impact I had, the fun I had, and how I got a lot of things right. There was a lot to be grateful for. “I gave myself permission to feel and experience all of my emotions. In order to do that, I had to stop being afraid to feel. In order to do that, I taught myself to believe that no matter what I felt or what happened when I felt it, I would be okay.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant  Okay, I just posted a video called “Clarity is Power” and now I’m posting a blog called “Permission is Power.” So which is it? What’s more powerful, clarity or permission? And what does permission have to do with power? I’m glad you asked.
We get hung up on clarity. I speak to many women who think that once they have this magical, mystical thing called ‘clarity’ then they’ll know their purpose, they’ll be happy, they’ll be able to move forward, and they’ll have confidence. But I think that we (especially women) use this lack of clarity as our excuse to stay stuck, to treat our purpose and our passion as a hobby, or to put off being bold or outrageous. Now, don’t get me wrong. Clarity is a powerful motivator and accelerator. With clarity we have a sense of direction and vision. Our affirmations, visualizations, and meditations can be specific and juicy. Clarity is our guide and compass. But what if we are afraid? Afraid to shine, afraid to stand out, afraid to lead, afraid to soar? Sometimes we have blocks to our own brilliance and magnificence and then clarity eludes us. But if we say we want clarity, then it looks like we are blocked only because we don’t know where we should be going. Not because we are afraid to move or make a decision. This is where permission comes in. Let me ask you a question (or two or three). Are you feeling stuck? Do you feel frustrated or trapped? Are you embarrassed or even ashamed that you aren’t more successful or that you haven’t achieved more? What you may need is permission for your desire. "The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but significance - and then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning." ~ Oprah Winfrey  Is there such a thing as ‘dream shaming?’
Throughout my life, I’ve been around big dreamers. I’d listen to their lofty plans, goals, and dreams and wonder why my own dreams didn’t match up with their big vision. And then this would lead me to ask myself, “What’s the matter with me?” (because that seems to be my standard go-to question). And rarely did the big dreamer ever ask me about my dreams. Or even help me brainstorm something bigger and better for myself. In fact, I got the definite impression that these big dreamers were shaming me (silently, of course) for my lack of big dream focus. It took me years to come to terms with accepting my own focus, my own sensibilities, and my own dreams without the self-criticism that would ordinarily accompany what I determined were my ‘small’ dreams. My ‘small’ dreams revolved around being of service; around helping people to feel inspired and empowered; to assist them in finding comfort and peace when they were discouraged, fearful, or questioning; to guide them to uncover their own strength, courage, and brilliance; to support them during times of crisis; to educate them on the correct use of their mind and aligning with universal spiritual principles (just to name a few). Would I like to speak in front of thousands? Of course! Would I love to facilitate sold-out workshops and seminars? You bet! Would I love to write a book that sells 1 million copies? That’d be awesome! But even more important to me is connection and community. As Oprah says in the quote above, I’m interested in significance. And I want that one-to-one feedback that lets me know that I’m making a difference. Standing ovations are great, but a personal testimonial is even better! Last week I was at the Celebration of Fine Arts Festival in Scottsdale. It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backwards.  Last week I wrote about a common challenge it seems that most of us have when we want to move forward in the direction of our dreams. I’m paraphrasing by saying we tend to ‘bite off more than we can chew’ and then we end up having to spit out what we bit off! In other words, we may try to do everything at once. We see the big picture and we get excited and we go-go-go but eventually, our motivation wanes and we go back to our old habits. My suggestion: start small. Baby step. Repeat this one baby step over and over until it becomes a new habit, and then add the next one. You can read the entire post how-to-manifest-your-desires-part-1.htmlhere. So, even if we know the steps to manifesting our desires - visualizing, having at attitude of gratitude, meditating, journaling, increasing our vibration, being specific and clear, eliminating our mental blocks, etc. - we’re not always consistent in taking these steps, are we? We get lazy, we judge by appearances, we let other people’s ideas and opinions affect what we do, we let our negative mind chatter take a front seat. And maybe we give up only to start again. Our dreams and desires will not be silenced. Not permanently anyway. We can squash them for a bit, but deep down, we know they are there. So, we know the ‘how’ of manifesting our desires. Our trouble is in the doing. Basically, I think it comes down to creating new habits that will build our manifesting muscles.  The success we get in taking consistent baby steps helps feed our need for rewards. I know we don’t like to think we’re as simple as Pavlov’s dogs, but we probably are. Sorry. I think it is critical to focus on only one habit at a time. This can be hard. Not only are we impatient, but our baby step seems so easy. And quick. And simple. And if we can do one baby step for one habit we want to develop, why not do one baby step for a couple of habits? Seems logical, right? Wrong! When we try to change too many habits all at once, it’s sort of like multi-tasking. We don’t focus on any one thing and our results actually suffer. Maybe you try and take small steps for four different habits (learn yoga, meditate, listen to a daily inspirational video or talk, and exercise). Sure, at first you are filled with enthusiasm, but as time goes on, you are using willpower only. Something’s gotta give. Maybe one, two, or even all four new habits suffer. Trust me on this. One habit at a time. I’d start with the one that you think will give you the biggest bang. If you think that entering into gratitude more often will help raise your vibration, then start with 5 minutes a day. If you can do more, great. Maybe it is just 3 minutes a day. Are you going to write them out? Say them out loud? Just think thoughts about appreciation? Maybe you want to start or end your day with statements of gratitude. Or maybe you think visualizing is your biggest bang. Abraham-Hicks suggests that thought reaches a combustion point at 17 seconds and if you can visualize (pure thought without any contradictory thinking) then you are on the way to manifesting. Maybe try for 10 seconds and work up to 68 seconds. And – super important - make it easy on yourself by having everything you need at hand. If you are going to journal, have it by the side of your bed. If you are going to do yoga, lay out your yoga outfit the night before. If you are going to learn to play piano, make sure it is in a convenient place. If you are going to meditate, make sure your meditation CD is already loaded up. You get the picture. Richelle E. Goodrich reminds us: "Small steps may appear unimpressive, but don't be deceived. They are the means by which perspectives are subtly altered, mountains are gradually scaled, and lives are drastically changed." Changed into your bold, brilliant, badass life! About Janet
Janet is an effective 'Belief Change Expert' who helps worn-out women who are tired of saying ‘yes’ to everyone else but themselves and feel like they are settling move from living life in neutral to living a bold, brilliant, and badass life. If you are ready to step out of fear and self-doubt (and self-sabotage) so you can reclaim your power and mojo and be the inspiring, elegant, courageous, and passionate heroine you were born to be, Janet can help you get the results you are longing for. Believing in you and your possibilities “Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone.”  Is that true? Everything?
I have some of the things I want right now and they are firmly within my comfort zone. And I think it’s important not to downplay those things in order to go after those things that ARE outside of my comfort zone. (I could probably write an entire blog post on that alone, but that is for another time) However, if you Google the title of this post you’ll find close to 1.3 million entries. Huffington Post will tell you 15 ways to manifest your desires. And you can find 15 steps with pictures on wikihow. You can find the 5 principles and the 3 secrets to manifest your desires and make your dreams a reality. And the list goes on and on. Of course there are no secrets, are there? I’ll bet if I were to ask you how to manifest your dreams, you could tell me. And I’ll bet your list would include some or all of the following, wouldn’t it?
"Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart." ~Rumi  I talk a lot about desires (and dreams and goals).
And here’s why. So many of us have put our desires on the back burner. That was most definitely true for me when I was busy working for a living, settling for a job that helped pay the bills, build for my retirement (or so I thought), and offered medical and dental insurance. But was so very unfulfilling in every way. I was starving my desires until one day they simply withered away. Now, years later, after careful tending, watering, and weeding, they are growing again…and thriving. And I still need a lot more practice in nurturing and embracing my desires. And I’m not the only one. I talk to young women who tell me that they’d rather be liked than be happy. And so they silence their voice and squash their desires. I wonder what their life will be like in 20 years. Will they have completely forgotten their passion and dreams because they buried their gifts and spent their life trying hard to simply ‘be liked?’ This breaks my heart. I talk to older women who are ready for retirement but they see retirement as an end to their identity and not a new beginning of possibilities. They were too busy raising a family to think very much about passion and desires. I talk to spiritual people who tell me that desire is ego-based and that desire leads to attachment and that leads to suffering. And who wants to suffer, right? So they are practicing on how not to desire and all of my talk about goals, dreams, and desires really annoys them. I agree that attachment to a particular outcome could lead to disappointment. And even if we attain the particular outcome, we’re not satisfied for very long – we want to experience the next level of joy, satisfaction, and success. So desire gets a bad rap.  Motivation. What’s the magic formula? Why is it so hard to stay motivated? Have you ever asked yourself those questions? Does it seem like sometimes you are go, go, go and everything falls into place? You wake up and you are enthused and excited about all of your possibilities. And other times, maybe you begin to doubt yourself. Maybe you aren’t seeing results as rapidly as you thought. Your commitment and your motivation wavers a bit. You tell yourself it shouldn’t be this hard or take this much effort. We often waver between these two extremes, as if we are on a wavelength. All is fine and dandy when we are riding high, but when the wave is low, it’s hard to get going. This could feel like two steps forward and three steps back. "If you are working on something that you really care about, you don't We’ve all heard, “what’s your big WHY?” What’s yours? Do you even have one? I continue to talk with people that have a challenge with this. They are stuck with dreams and goals of the past, striving for what they think they ‘should’ want or trying to fit their own passion into what would mesh with the family. When things get challenging, is your ‘why’ big enough to help you overcome struggle? If not, it’s time to get busy. Let me help with a few ideas.
 I have two things upcoming soon that will help. First, I’m in the process of creating a daily planner. I’ve been using it for a while and it’s really helping me keep my big dreams in my mind, reminding me to continue to build my positive habits, and staying focused on my priorities. Of course, it will evolve with me, but I’m excited for you to try it out. Second, I’m going to be forming a Mastermind group (or two). When I look back on the times in my life that saw my greatest achievements, I had a group of people who ‘had my back.’ They were my supporters, encouragers, and cheerleaders. They held me accountable and didn’t let me get away with excuses or victim mentality. I want that again. For me and for you. I’m excited about both of these things. I’m excited about my future. I’m excited about what’s possible for me. I’m excited about my big dreams. I’m excited about making a bigger impact. I’m excited about living, and loving a life that matters. How about you? Let’s do this together. Until next time, Have some fun, stay aware, and rock on! About Janet
Janet is an effective 'Belief Change Expert' who helps clients go from Overwhelm to Overjoyed, from Confusion to Clarity, and from Surviving to Thriving. Whether you want to grow your business or grow your self-esteem, Janet helps people believe in their own potential and transform their dreams into fulfilling, inspired, and prosperous realities. Janet can help you get the rapid results you are looking for. “Life is short, live bold! Be heard, be you, dream big, take risks, don’t wait.” ~ Misty Gibbs  I’ve been thinking a lot about big dreams lately. Growing up, I was never encouraged to dream big. My parents didn’t dream big – I think they were just trying to do the best they could. For them, success was owning a home and having a steady job and taking occasional family vacations. I think my dad’s big dreams involved me; he wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer. That was his dream. I just wanted to be liked, have friends, and fit in. Then I got married and settled into a life where any dreams revolved around what my husband wanted. The problem is that he didn’t have big dreams either. At least none that he shared with me. And then just like my dad, I passed all my big dreams onto my daughter. Needless to say, that worked as well for me as it did for my dad. So I had to start dreaming my own big dreams, but I had no practice. I was mired in small dreams, not daring to even consider anything amazing. And guess what? Nothing really amazing happened. This isn’t to say that good things didn’t happen. I did have success at work. I was able to purchase my own home and also buy 7 rental properties in four states. I got my ministerial license and founded a church. I started doing some coaching long before ‘coaching’ became part of our everyday language. I’ve been featured in two books, interviewed on radio, and been a guest speaker at churches and retreats. And now I have the good fortune to live one of the most beautiful places…Sedona. Back to big dreams. After finding that putting my big dreams onto my daughter didn’t work, I was left with trying to create my own big dreams. But since I didn’t have a frame of reference, I started with setting goals that I ‘thought’ I could do. That meant small goals and small dreams. Since I didn’t have my own big dreams, I loved coaxing and drawing the big dreams out of my clients. I was able to catch the excitement and allure of having a vision way beyond the ordinary. And still I struggled with my own big dreams. I struggled with ideas that perhaps I was being selfish and egotistical in my desires. And did I mention all the classes, workshops, and coaching I paid for in search of my big dreams? Looking back, I can see I was still trying to fit my dreams into what other people thought should be my big dreams. But those dreams didn’t fit with me and I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was incapable of having any big dreams of my own. And then it happened. I let go. I relaxed. My mind opened. My imagination opened. I began to dream (and daydream) again. And now all I want to do is talk about and write about living boldly, living big, taking risks, being audacious and outrageous, and being wholly, fully, and completely ourselves. Why am I sharing this? I know (I hope) I’m not the only one who has trouble getting past their history or their current circumstances to see what’s possible. Maybe it’s a fear of failure. Maybe it’s a fear of being disappointed. Maybe it’s a fear of not being able to live up to expectations. Maybe it’s that we don’t have any role models. Or maybe it’s that we don’t have any practice. Whatever the reason, I want to encourage you to keep at it. It’s okay if you don’t know how to get there. That’s the point of the big dream. But, oh how exciting to take those first steps. Possibilities abound. Choices galore. A chance to feel the excitement and exhilaration of what it would be like to show up fully and live out loud. To experience the complete satisfaction and joy of knowing you are living on purpose and making the difference that only you can make. I’d love to hear your big dream. And if you need some help in getting started, let’s chat. Have some fun, stay aware, and rock on! About Janet
Janet is an effective 'Belief Change Expert' who helps clients go from Overwhelm to Overjoyed, from Confusion to Clarity, and from Surviving to Thriving. Whether you want to grow your business or grow your self-esteem, Janet helps people believe in their own potential and transform their dreams into fulfilling, inspired, and prosperous realities. Janet can help you get the rapid results you are looking for. Visit my FB Page |
About JanetJanet Kingsley is an effective 'Belief Change Expert' who helps clients transform frustration to focus, confusion to clarity, and self-doubt to self-confidence. 
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